Miss Independant

That's what I was always called growing up. Although I never *felt* like I actually was able to be independent. I grew up feeling like I had all sorts of ropes tied to me, and having the personality i had..which..even more me is hard to describe, made it very difficult. I somehow got labeled the black sheep of the family, when I honestly never did anything unusually bad or rebellious. I always wanted to know the reason behind a rule or decision my authorities made, and never just took someone's word. I always had to figure things out myself, and never wanted anyone "holding" my hand when I was about to encounter a task that seemed far beyond what I was capable of..or maybe just a little scary. Those traits are what caused me to be labeled rebellious, I believe. But anyways...Moving on the point of this post.

I think in the last 2 years I have actually gained some independence. And ya know what...It's kinda scary! One of the biggest, most uncomfortable things..has been going to Church...ALONE. Until Brett and I started dating i was visiting around, and then he started going with me once we started dating, now his work schedule has changed so much that it's impossible for him to go with me...so...alone again. I always wake up on Sunday mornings going over and over in my head if I actually want to go..or just take the comfortable road and watch a service online. but then I would really miss having a worship service. I have this big choice to make...no big brother or mom or dad to try and hold my hand and walk me through...I'm just gonna do it myself. I'm gonna walk into a Church full of people I don't know, with a pastor who is not my Dad (like I've had the past 21 years), with no one by my side. This is what I've always though right? Independence..the option to make my own decision. HELLO REAL WORLD! Maybe to some this doesn't seem like a big task, but I guess my blog isn't for me to put on fronts and be someone I'm not...this life of mine is crazy unpredictable and I'm just going to jot it down as it happens. For me..today...finding a church I fit into and feel is right for me, that has the qualities I'm looking for in a Church...it's taking me out of my comfort zone..but I seem to remember a prayer I prayed in front of my YWAM Louisville family over a year ago..."God, I'm yielding to you my comfort zone. Take it. take me. whenever. where ever. I'm yours. I'm giving up my comfort zone". I find that when i stay within those limits that make me feel safe..I just stand still in life. I don't grow more, learn more, love more or hurt me. I just AM. I'd rather my nervous and scared then not feeling anything at all.

So God...once again...Here's my comfort zone.